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Mon, Nov. 26th, 2007, 12:06 am

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Wed, May. 16th, 2007, 12:26 am

be there or be to the 2nd power

p.s. If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks
due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and
dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!!

They only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.
-stoled from vivyan

Tue, May. 8th, 2007, 05:27 pm

A very loud, unattractive, and mean woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't.

The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think
they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?
"I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the greeter.

"I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."


Wed, Apr. 25th, 2007, 04:20 pm

okay so i thought this was so funny that i had to post it here

Anger management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right damn number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an ass hole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'ass hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an ass hole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'ass hole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an ass hole!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot.

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, So I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first ass hole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW ass hole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow bungalo, and the car's parked right out in front."

I asked, "What's your name?"

He said, "My name is Don Hansen,"

I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

He said, "I'm home every evening after five."

I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

He said, "Yes?"

I said, "Don, you're an ass hole!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two ass holes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called ass hole #1.

He said, "Hello."

I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He screamed, "Stop calling me."

I said, "Make me."

He asked, "Who are you?"

I said, "My name is Don Hansen."

He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "Ass hole, I live at 34 Oak Tree

Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow bungalo, I have a black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Y eah, like I'm really scared, ass hole," and hung up.

Then I called Ass hole #2.

He said, "Hello?"

I said, "Hello, ass hole."

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

I said, "You'll what?"

He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass."

I answered, "Well, ass hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
34 Oak Tree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oak Tree

Blvd in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two ass holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work!

other stuff will be posted in my news thing

Tue, Feb. 27th, 2007, 04:43 pm

hello friends.
the long road of life has taken us thus far, but this is where my stop on the livejournal track lies.
it has been an epic journey of whales tales and woes hos' being able to render my mind back to those gargantuan flows... as only lj, and its drama knows.

i wish you a fond farewell lj, but that doesn't mean i'm saying goodbye to all you friends.
keep in touch. I demand it! (for the fate of endor hangs in the balance, and you wouldn't want to make ewoks sad) think about that. sad ewoks. that's like the most gut wrenching catastrophe that could happen in the history of anything. and you would be responsible!

the reason for this?
i finally went ahead and learned dreamweaver yesterday and made a website (like i've had on my list for 3 friggin years) it's not done but, i'll probably be writing stuff there. the address is staystoked.com
stop by sometime, have a cup of coffee with me on my electronic couch of might and comfort. there's a forum (forum.staystoked.com)

at this point i'm thinking i'll keep my myspace. not for the traditional, widely used purpose of hooking up, but actually to keep in touch with friends. so YOU are the reason i'm keeping it. be stoked because you mean a lot to me. (and if you want to hook up then that'd be okay too. giggidy giggidy, giggidy goo.)

many thanks to you lj friends, whether you be real, imaginary, or really imaginitive

here's one for the good times.

Sat, Jan. 27th, 2007, 11:24 am

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Wed, Dec. 20th, 2006, 08:11 pm

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Fri, Dec. 15th, 2006, 07:45 pm
sweet vaaaacaaaation (sung to the tune of aerosmith)

so yeah i had my last final today.
all my professors bumped up the finals, presumably so they could have more vacation time.
rock n' roll. all i have left is to go to costco and get food for the teams presentation.

snowboarding on sunday.

oh yeah, cancel on the camping trip for now.
it's fucking cold.

Mon, Dec. 11th, 2006, 01:10 pm
i'm bringing livejournal back

as whomever is reading this is no doubt still using livejournal then in effect the above statement is meaningless. oh wells.
yesterday i woke up and was so slothy and lazy that i was pissing myself off. so i decided to get the fuck out of dodge and go for a runabout. i started by going across the street and adventuring through all the trails and secret forest areas of the golden gate park. that place is awesome, so much to be seen that isn't visible unless you go in. so i ran a bunch of trails and made my way down to ocean beach. i came out right behind the beach chalet. i didn't know this but there's a really nice dining courtyard out back, not that i didn't think the place was awesome to begin with.
then i sat on the wall a bit to recuperate and was mesmerized by the power of the waves out there. it a good 15'+. i like how surfline described it:
"AM REPORT: Don't drown...Big surf with constant bombardment. Not much to ride really. Just death drop peaks. " while i'm all about death drop peaks i don't like the constant bombardment part.
from there i ran to the base of the cliffhouse hill, and watched some more. then i went to the ruins of the old bath places. then i decided that i wanted to make it to fort point. (golden gate bridge) it was a long and treacherous path, but i made it. i ran up this one embankment holding cement thing and it was awesome and then i jumped down from it and almost landed on these women. they were like whoa, where'd he come from, giggle. funny. then i walked a bunch because i was tired as hell. i walked most of the way up the huge hill that from this day forward i will call "huge hill." eventually making it to fort point where i took a bunch of pictures for tourists, all of which they loved.
i made a little google earth place marker map if you care to check it out.
then i went to hang out with patty who i recently made my girlfriend and we watched mean girls. so funny. that movie is pure and unadulterated drama for drama's sake. woke up way too early and stiff as a board. went to get coffee and work on my essay that i really need to finish at rockin coffee or something in the haight.
now i'm finding clever ways of procrastinating, my favorite being making a map of what i did yesterday on google earth and writing about it here.

notice the flying spaghetti monster in the gods section.

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